Memories of My Purposeful Death
by Scarlet-Nin
Summary: What would have happened if Neah hadn't died 35 Years ago?
1. Chapter 1

Memories of My Purposeful Death

Disclaimer: I don't own DGM!

Scarlet-Nin: I know I shouldn´t start another Fanfiction, but oh well, it´s my decision and I am motivated right now! This Idea just came up to me like 4 hours ago and wouldn´t let me sleep in peace so I wrote a bit of this down. Tell me your opinion! Hope you enjoy~!

„Speaking"

„ _Thougths"_

Chapter 1

 _Cold_ , that was the only thing I could feel right now. It felt like my inside were frozen, my body numb. I was absently aware that I was losing too much blood and I must look like a real mess right now, but I couldn´t bring myself to care in this moment. Whoever said that the truth could hurt couldn´t be more right about that. Hell, that´s the understatement of the year. It didn´t just _hurt_. It was like knives all over your body were twisting, sinking deeper into you flesh as it felt like you were burned alive.

I just gazed at ahead without really seeing anything. My face blank as blood trickled down my chin and onto the rest of my broken body. The sticky liquid that soaked my clothing, making it darker and cling to me was the list bit of my concerns right now.

I heard explosions in the background and then silence. It would have made me curious, but this time I just felt nothing. I wished this was all a bad joke. A nightmare to wake up from. A wish I knew wouldn´t be granted to me because if I closed my eyes now in hope of awakening and forgetting this happened, it would only bring me my death. Even if I don´t really feel much right now, I wouldn´t just give up. I wasn´t one to break a promise. I would keep it even if I have to go through hell.

So, not even the pleasant feeling of sleep could make my eyes drop now. I will just continue enjoying the silence as I waited here for something to happen. Of all things that happened till now, this was probably the biggest fucking cruel joke ever played on me.

" _How could I not notice?"_ That question has been bothering me since my realization. The hints were _there_. For my Eyes clear to see, but I _ignored_ them. Refusing to admit what was _obvious_ because I didn´t want to see the _truth_. I _should have known_.

 _His behavior, the way he spoke, the jokes he made_. It was mocking me now. That was so _**him**_. I just closed my eyes and shut of my ears, because I knew it hurt. _"Would it have been easier if I had known all along?"_

I don´t think so. If anything, it would have only made it harder to cope. Still one there was one thing that hadn´t left me alone.

" _ **Neah**_ **had to know it from the very** _ **start**_ **, but refusing to tell me."**

Bitterness was spreading through me like a fire burning down a forest. I knew it was unfair to blame it _all_ on him, It was partly my fault for not listening to the hints, but still. Couldn´t he have tried to tell me? Didn´t we say there were no more secrets? But he had made sure there were things from the start I wouldn´t know. At least not till _**he**_ got the courage to tell me himself.

 _To protect me_ , he said. I let out a bitter chuckle. Look at where that got me. Who said I needed, _no_ **wanted** his protection _anyway_?!

Footsteps. It sounded like more than four people running towards my direction. I heard yelling in the background and screaming, but paid no mind to it. I heard them stop near me, probably trying to get me to respond to them, but I only heard parts of what they said.

"…Walker!..."

"ALLEN! ALLEN!"

"H-Hey Beansprout! …dare-…fucking….asleep!"

"...medical-!"

They were sounding so panicked right now, I almost felt bad. _**Almost**_ being the keyword. I felt hands press down on my wounds to stop the bleeding, they were shaking. Someone was lightly slapping my cheeks and shaking me. I blinked a few times to get my blurry vision to focus. Hadn´t noticed it getting to that point.

I felt something wet hit my arm and blinked again. The rain still hasn´t stopped? No…that´s not right, I don´t feel many raindrops so what could be?

I saw a few pairs of eyes looking at me.

In front of me were big Violet eyes flowing over with tears staring at me like I would disappear if she blinked for a second.

"…-L-Lenalee?..." I muttered in slight shock, feeling dizzier as minutes passed. I saw her face soften in what looked like relief. Now, that I focused on my surroundings I saw a pair of blue eyes glaring at me, was that concern I saw? One green eye looking frightened and relieved at the same time. A pair of usually stern Red eyes were narrowed watching my every breath as I heard someone sigh.

My eyes were dropping not noticing how their faces broke out into panicked expressions at my gesture. It wouldn´t hurt if I rested for a bit, right? I was mentally exhausted and thought I deserved a break. The last thing I saw, heard and felt was being picked up and moved through air at high speed, Green hair and determined Violet eyes and a chilling to the core frightened cry.

"ALLEN!"


	2. Chapter 2

Memories of My Purposeful Death

Disclaimer: I don´t own DGM!

Scarlet-Nin: Thank you for Reviewing, Following or Favoriting! And everything will be explained in the course of the story, so even if it may be confusing for you, it will make sense in the ending.

"Speaking"

" _Thoughst"_

Chapter 2

Allen´s eyes widen as he looked up at a copy of what looked like a younger Mana. But that couldn´t be the brother his beloved Mana searched for, _right_? That would be absurd! That is a freaking Noah for heaven´s sake!

Allen narrowed his eyes at the man who looked at him with a nervous smile. Allen hide behind Cross´s legs as he frowned up at the stranger. He suspected he saw that man before, but _where_? Allen was sure _Grey_ Skin and _Golden_ eyes were features he wouldn't just forget. The feeling of familiar warmth wouldn´t go away and the longer he looked at the stranger the more he let his guard down and relaxed.

It was one of the things that annoyed Allen the most right now. He may come across as polite, naïve and kind, but he never let his guards down around stranger, hell, he wouldn´t even let his guard down with _friends_ he didn´t completely trust! You couldn´t just afford to trust _anyone_ on the streets and that thinking stuck around till now. So, what was it about this _Noah_ that made him _instantly_ at ease?

It had been two and a half years since his Master took him in and trained him. Now, why would he be so friendly, well as friendly as Cross could get anyway, with this stranger? It made no sense to him.

" _Neah…"_ Someone in his mind whispered and Allen almost jumped at the thought. What the-? Was that the stranger´s _name_? Even so, how did _he_ know it? Allen felt himself getting pushed forward as Cross pulled him out from behind his legs.

"Brat, do you know who that is?" Cross asked with a grim expression, so unusual from what Allen usual saw. Allen looked at Noah, who perked up at the question staring almost hopeful at him in a way that reminded Allen of a kicked puppy.

"A Noah…" Allen answered without hesitation, but something didn´t feel right to him about his answer. Especially when he saw the defeated look upon the Noah´s face. So, he hurried along on his sentence.

"-called Neah!" Allen flinched at how fast the two heads snapped to him. _"Did I say something wrong?"_ He wondered as he saw the Noah, no _Neah_ walking over and crouching down to his level. His Golden eyes looked hopeful but serious. It made Allen gulp.

"How do you know my Name, little one?" The question was asked carefully and Allen somehow had the feeling that his next words were going to change the course of history. Allen wasn´t dumb. No matter what his Master said. You couldn´t be dumb if you lived _on the streets_. He was completely aware of the fact that his Master and the Noah were watching him like a hawk. Just waiting to see if he was lying.

Allen had two options, say he doesn´t know or just tell them how he felt since meeting Cross. His gut told him that even if the first option was partly true they would just continue to nag at him till he answered with everything he knew.

So, swallowing and ignoring his nervousness he started talking.

"…Since I met Master, I felt like I _knew_ him already. I am not talking about things like how It´s the feeling that I saw him in the streets. It was like he was an _old friend_ who was almost _family_ to me. It´s hard to explain! I know things, I am certain I _shouldn´t_ _know_ , but I know them _anyway_! Your name just came into my mind a-and I know you will think I am _crazy_ , but I have no hesitation when I say I _know you too_! That´s _so_ weird! I-!" Allen ranted with as he held his head at the images that flashed through. Lots of books lying around in a room. A white town, three other young men talking to him. A large mansion, round glasses in the hand of one of the men from before.

He felt a warm hand rest on top of his head and stopped talking. He looked up to see Neah looking down at him with a soft smile. His breath got caught up in his throat and he felt his eyes water and he had _no idea why_!

"I am so happy to know that you remember me. Even if you may only know my Name for now. Trust me, you _will_ remember in time. I will stay with you for half a year and ask you, what you want then. So, till then just try to concentrate on training and having a good time, okay?" Neah admitted with a grin as he heard a cough behind him. The two of them turned to Cross who looked down at Neah like he was an ugly woman trying to hit on him.

"Who said you could stay? Having to watch over _one_ Idiot is hard enough!" Cross grumbled with a glare at Neah who started spluttering. "Don´t call us Idiots! Come on, Marian! Help an old friend out! You know you love me! I wanna´ stay!" Neah whined as he gave Cross the puppy dog eyes. Cross made gagging sounds.

"Get that creepy look of your face before I _shoot_ it off for you." Cross growled out as he scowled down at Neah. How did that Brainless Noah find him again? Tch, Must be in the genetics. Stalkers.

Allen watched the argument with a smile and hide a chuckle. Why did it feel like he saw them arguing like that a hundred times already?

"You know Neah, I think it would be the best option for you to tell him that you would buy him wine instead of annoying Master to the point of him actually getting out his gun. It would hurt you, wouldn´t it? Noah and Innocence aren´t exactly _friendly_ towards each other." Allen spoke up with an amused smile as he watched Neah pale then nod. Cross seemed okay with that deal too.

If Allen was slightly creeped out with the way he already talked to Neah like they knew each other for century´s he didn´t mention it nor let it show.


	3. Chapter 3

Memories of My Purposeful Death

Disclaimer: I don´t own DGM!

Scarlet-Nin: Please enjoy this Chapter and tell me what you think about it! ^^

"Speaking"

" _Thoughst"_

Chapter 3

 _Time skip one and a half month later._

Allen was laying on a bed at an Inn, where they stayed at for the moment. He was under the blanket, gazing up at the celling with a frown on his face. It was strange for his Master to send him to bed so early, or to send him at all. He was almost 15 after all.

It was two hours ago, since he was sent to sleep, but he couldn´t help it. Every time he closed his eyes to drift off to sleep something nagged at him mentally to _stay_ _awake_. That there was something his Master and Neah kept from him. And if Allen hated _one_ thing it was _being kept in the dark_.

" _I couldn´t sleep in peace anyway_ …" Allen thought with a quiet sigh. He kept getting flashes of picture´s, dreams that felt like memories and he hated that feeling of déjà vu. How would you feel if it felt like you already lived half your life?! It´s frustrating!

 _Warm hands, bright smiles, lame jokes, heart-wrenching sadness, helplessness, joy, delight, anger…_

His head snapped up as he heard voices from the living room. Allen had wondered where his Master was, Neah wasn´t surprising, because he had matters to take care of. What matters it were he didn´t know.

Muffled voices were to hear and Allen´s curiosity got the better of him. He always had a thirst for knowledge so, this should have been expected. Allen stood up quietly and sneaked towards the door. He held his ear against the door to hear more. Heart pounding in his chest at the opportunity of finding out the truth.

"…do you have a death wish?! How could you-!..." Cross´s voice growled from outside and Allen felt his heartbeat speed up so much it felt like his heart would spring out of his chest. He could finally find out more. Neah promised him that he would understand in time, remembering him and all, but for Allen it was pure torture. Who wouldn´t think they are going crazy, when they kept getting back what seemed like memories from another life?!

 _This feeling… that_ _ **longing**_ _he slowly felt, creeping into his heart, making him dizzy and all the more confused…_

"- _Had_ to!... **My** Ark! …Thought…he….remember…his books!" Neah´s voice drifted to Allen´s ears and his eyes widen at the tone. Something bad was going on. Allen felt his breath quicken. Trying to calm himself down, because he had no idea why he was getting worked up at the mention of an Ark and just the word book.

It was almost strange how he missed reading books…it made him remember a few rare times Mana had read some to him when he was little…but this familiar feeling, wasn´t Mana the _only_ one who ever read him something?

 _A flash of long thick red hair almost the same shade as his own kept in a low ponytail,-Red eyes looking at him out of the corners of a young teenagers face, hidden behind round glasses, the usual scowl or unimpressed look not present instead an almost affectionate look was sent his way. The sunrays warming him up, a rough voice reading the lines of a book to him-_

"…What-…took the chance-…- _remember_? …- **Kill** -… _ **this**_ time… **real**!" Allen swore his heart stopped there for a second. Stumbling away from the door with his head cradled in his hands, he sat down on the floor. His breath coming out harsh and unregular. His fists coming up to his head, gripping his hair in a desperate manner as he clenched his eyes shut.

" _Nice to meet you! What´s your name? I am Neah and this is… -a!"_

" _You looked so lonely and we thought you looked like a good friend! We weren´t wrong, you know?"_

" _It´s not fair! How come you are so smart and good with magic? Even Marian is jealous! Don´t tell him I said that though, okay?"_

" _Don´t worry! We will protect you like we know you would protect us! That´s our promise!"_

" _I can´t see your eyes this way! Why can´t you just take these glasses off? -a! Come here help me to take them off!"_

" _I can hide your books for you! Isn´t that a good deal? I will even give you a key to use the Ark!"_

" _You are still hanging around that Old Guy? Allen! You need more friends your age! No! I don´t mean your mental age!"_

" _I want to tell you more about the Memories of Noah. I might have to do something in the future I would regret, so please listen carefully."_

" _You-You IDIOT! Just because you have Innocence and magic, it doesn´t mean you can fight so reckless! What? Don´t give me that look! Seriously, you should be our patient, rational half! It doesn´t work if we are all reckless!"_

" _We are like one complete person! I am the Soul, Allen´s the mind and -a is the Body! …Oh! Marian can be the Ego! After all he has enough of it for all three of us combined! OW!"_

"… _Don´t worry, I won´t let anything like that happen."_

" _Don´t use your Innocence around him anymore, please. I-I…am afraid I don´t know what he would do."_

" _You know of the Experiments there, right? Don´t do something I and him wouldn´t approve. I can´t really help you if you go to_ that _place…"_

"… _you help_ Marian _, but not me with magic? That´s insulting! I am offended! …Okay, maybe me learning magic could be a disaster, but I am Destruction! -a! Allen´s playing favorites! And with Marian of all people!"_

" _How can you say such cheesy things with a straight face? I told you reading so much is bad for you!"_

" _Hahaha! Look! -a is chasing after Marian, because he thinks he corrupted you with his swearing. Think we should tell him that is probably the other way around? That´s the answer I wanted to hear. He´s getting away, -a!"_

" _ **Stay away from me!**_ _"_

Something was streaming down his face. A shaking hand hastily wiped away the tears that wouldn´t stop. A sob wanted to escape him, but he forced it down, only making whimpering and sniffing sounds. He crawled back into his bed, burring himself in the blanket as he shut his eyes to block out the memories that were shaking his core.

" _How could_ he _? How could_ _ **I**_ _forget?"_ All of his thoughts were messed up right now. Suddenly he wished he hadn´t been eavesdropping. He gripped his blanket tighter as he curled up more. He only got parts back from his whole life back then, but he knew who Neah was now. And that he knew his Master apparently too. Knowing these things should have _cleared_ up more for him, not **complicating** things more!

With disgust, he noticed that he was shaking all over. How _pathetic_ in his eyes. He was actually as Old as his Master and still acted like a child. Hatred for himself spread through him. How could he wallow in _**Self**_ - _ **pity**_? Was he truly _that_ **weak**?

With these thoughts, Allen drifted off to a restless sleep, never hearing the end of the discussion between his Master and Neah.

 _Time skip, next day._

Allen´s night had been horrible. The memories wouldn´t leave him alone, all the wanted was to understand, but where should he get the answers to his questions? His Master wouldn´t tell him anything, he was sure of it. It was slowly driving him mad.

 _Patience, it was one of the words that described him the best, they said, but it was also very clear that if a certain nerve or topic was hit, he had the quickest temper of them all._

His gaze turned to the Noah, who was walking besides him, disguised in heavy clothing. He was holding Allen´s hand as strange as it sounded, Allen didn´t really mind. In the morning, Allen barely had time to get himself together, but he felt calmer than the night before. It was like the calm after a heavy storm.

With a deep breath, Allen tried his luck.

"Neah…I want to ask you a few things." Allen stated with a serious frown as he looked onto the ground. When he felt Neah´s gaze on him he took that as a sign to continue.

" _You can tell me everything! I am going to destroy every problem you have!" Warm Golden eyes, a soft smile, the melodic voice, relief filling his very core._

"I…I know about you now…" Allen began but held up a hand when he saw Neah´s eyes widen in shock, surprise, worry and delight, ready to interrupt. "I know about you, but not about everything in particular. I get these memories back. I have no idea where they come from, but I want two things from you." Allen looked Neah straight in the eyes with determination. Interested Gold clashed with Passionate Silver.

"I want to know _all_ I knew back then. Not all of it on one day, I know that´s not possible, but I want to remember everything in the end. I know I was crazy about reading back then, so maybe If I read one of those again, I will remember more. My second demand is _**No more secrets**_." There was silence between the two of them. Both too stubborn to back down from the staring contest.

 _But that was one of the most frustrating things they both loved about each other. Something they had in common._

Neah sighed and chuckled. He gave Allen´s hand a squeeze as he smiled at him. "Okay, fine. I will give you books later, alright? I _promise_ you, no more secrets between us. It´s good to know you haven´t completely changed. I am glad." Neah spoke each word softly and filled with warmth as they kept on walking down the streets, passing a few people who paid no attention to them.

" _Who made_ _ **you**_ _insecure?! Please tell me you gave them hell with your sarcasm like you usually do with us if angered, because when not, I seriously fear for your brain you´re so proud of._ Now _, don´t give me that look, It´s_ obvious _that we won´t part ways. We will always be friends." He got a pair of rolled eyes and an unimpressed look. Feeling embarrassed, he just nodded turning back to his beloved books._

Allen nodded and his lips formed a small smile. The feeling of proud accomplishment tingling his insides in a pleasant way. Now, he couldn´t wait to read these books.


End file.
